The Intimation Trials
by RJ1013
Summary: As Sheldon and Amy adjust to the ins and outs of married life, their friends have a hard time grasping the odd couple's peculiar oral exchanges. No spoilers. 100% comedy, 0% drama.
1. Chapter 1

The Intimation Trials

by RJ1013

Summary: As Sheldon and Amy adjust to the ins and outs of married life, their friends have a hard time grasping the odd couple's peculiar oral exchanges. No spoilers. 100% comedy, 0% drama.

Rating: T for language and innuendo, but this story is really only as vulgar as your own mind allows it to be. Things start out slow, but as our narrative reaches its climax, some readers may be offended by the seeds of humor that have sprung forth.

Feel free to mass-debate my rating selection in the form of a review.

Spoilers: Nothing for season 9. This story is set in any universe in which Sheldon and Amy have recently married.

Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. Except a lot of terrible jokes.

—

* * *

I.

* * *

"Oh my god, we have got to move out of here."

Leonard can barely make out Penny's words, muffled as they are with her head shoved under her pillow. What he can hear clearly is a screeching, animalistic sound from the room next to theirs. After a brief moment of blessed silence, a more feminine shriek follows.

"I mean, what the hell is that?" she continues, popping her face out and looking at him with wide eyes.

Leonard isn't sure he really wants to know. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. He and Penny had planned to slowly phase out the nights that they would spend in Sheldon's apartment. Perhaps it is an unnecessary precaution, he admits to himself now, because Sheldon seems to be adjusting quite comfortably to his new life as a married man.

The noise finally peters out next door, and Leonard and Penny breathe twin sighs of relief.

—-

* * *

II.

* * *

Sheldon and Amy are chatting animatedly in the kitchen when Penny emerges from Leonard's room the next morning. Those two look far too chipper. It irritates Penny immensely considering how they interrupted her night's sleep. She shoots a grumpy expression their way, but it is wasted because neither of them seem to notice her.

"I'm telling you, mine was better," Sheldon says. Penny sees him raise one eyebrow and smirk at his new wife. At the same time, he depresses the lever on the toaster.

"You can't prove that," Amy responds primly. She takes a long sip of coffee before continuing, "It's utterly subjective, and we simply don't have the requisite data available to come to any kind of satisfying conclusion."

"I beg to differ. I'm quite satisfied. Nevertheless, we could convene our small group of friends and get their impartial opinion on the matter."

Amy tilts her head and squints at Sheldon. "That would be quite awkward to explain. And besides, it wouldn't hold up to the rigors of the scientific process. Oh! Good morning Penny. Leonard."

Penny hadn't even noticed Leonard step up next to her. Jerked from her stupor, she now takes note of the soft fleece of his bathrobe brushing against the bare skin of her arm. As she looks up to her beloved, she can see that his face holds an expression that surely mirrors her own. Curious disgust.

Her little guy bravely chokes out, "What… what are you guys talking about? Is this about all that racket the two of you were making last night?"

"Oh, you could hear that?" Sheldon asks, sounding not even the tiniest bit contrite to Penny's ears. He takes a bite of toast. It feels like forever to her before he finishes chewing and elaborates, "Amy and I are having a little debate that perhaps you two can help us settle."

"I, um, I'm not really sure that we can." It's the most polite response that Penny can muster.

Amy scrunches up her eyebrows into an expression of befuddlement. "Why not? I mean you guys both saw our Jurassic Park marathon yesterday afternoon."

If anyone should be befuddled here, Penny is pretty sure that it should be her. She's also reasonably sure that she slept through a good portion of those movies. In fact, she is starting to wonder if she is still asleep right now because her lunatic friends are making even less sense than usual.

Leonard responds helpfully for the both of them, "Huh?"

"Well, after you two left, we followed up the movies with some paleontology documentaries. Amy and I then began a spirited discussion about the many inaccuracies of the Jurassic Park franchise. For instance, did you know that dinosaurs are now quite commonly believed to have had feathers?"

Penny sees Sheldon's inquisitive face, but neither she nor Leonard answer him. He doesn't seem fazed as he continues, "Fascinating, isn't it? Anyhow, this obviously opened the possibility of further errors."

"You were making dinosaur noises, weren't you?" Leonard interrupts.

"Obviously," Amy responds. "Specifically, raptors. We differ a bit in our opinions of what kind of vocalizations these creatures would have been capable of. We both gave it the best of our oral skills, but alas, we could not come to a consensus."

Penny can't hold her tongue for a moment longer. "Wait a minute! So you two newlyweds were up late at night to—to make freaking dinosaur impressions at each other?"

"Yes…" Sheldon drags out the word with exaggerated slowness. It aggravates her that his tone makes it sound like she is the one who is crazy. "I understand that this may be your first time, Penny, and you may have difficultly getting a firm grasp on this. Amy and I like to fill these holes in our knowledge, and few things are as satisfying as the deep impacts of scientific curiosity."

"And we're darn good at it," Amy smiles, nudging her shoulder playfully into his.

He nods emphatically, but when he turns back to face Penny he whispers, "But mine was better."

"Sheldon!" Amy objects.

"Ugh. Very well. Leonard, Penny, it's up to you to decide. Who do you believe made a more authentic raptor? Oh, but before you answer, it may influence your decision to know that as part of my imitation I also did this."

He proceeds to hold his arms up to his chest with his hands curled up into dinosaur claws. With the first three fingers of each hand formed into the distinctive triple claw of a raptor, he starts clawing threateningly in Amy's direction.

—-

* * *

III.

* * *

Howard is seated next to Raj with Sheldon and Leonard across from them both. It's grilled meats day at the cafeteria, and Howard hopes that his Jewish mother isn't looking down from the great beyond while he takes a big bite of his bacon double cheeseburger. Leonard is telling them both about Sheldon and Amy's wild night. This is even juicier than Howard's non-kosher meat.

He is still chewing when Raj pipes up next to him and asks, "So you really just started emitting crazy dinosaur sounds late at night?"

"It's not crazy. We were testing out a theory," Sheldon responds, sounding exasperated at their lack of understanding. "Besides, some dinosaurs may very well have been nocturnal."

"It's okay, Sheldon," Howard says with the most soothing tone that he can conjure. "We understand."

"We do?" asks Raj.

"Seriously?" Leonard sounds equally flummoxed.

"Of course. Who among us hasn't stomped about the house while alone or growled while tearing wildly into a particularly rare hunk of flesh?" Howard gestures with his partially masticated burger. "Or maybe climbed the stairs on all fours like a beast when no one was looking?"

"Yah, okay. I suppose," Raj admits. Leonard nods a reluctant agreement as well.

Howard can't quite control the grin that starts to take over his face. "Of course, in this case, that isn't exactly what we though you'd be nocturnally emitting, Sheldon." To his delight, Sheldon looks as clueless as ever while the rest of them chuckle.

Clearly exasperated, Sheldon sighs. He picks up his oblong bun and announces, "Gentlemen, I would like to get back to my wiener now."

The snickering rises to a guffaw, but Leonard is quick to recover and change the subject. Howard figures that the little guy probably doesn't want to have to explain the humor to his roommate. "So, how are you and Amy getting along as man and wife? You both seem to be very happy. Amy seemed particularly happy this weekend while she was moving in."

"Well, I should think so," Sheldon says. "Really, if I were going to make that woman any happier, I'd have to throw my back out completely."

That was not the best moment to have taken a drink of his soda. Howard can feel the burn of the carbonation throughout his sinus cavities. As his watery eyes clear, he can see the expressions of surprise on Raj and Leonard's faces.

"What?" Sheldon looks at each of them in turn. "You guys are really strange sometimes. And you all call me crazy." After a brief moment of silence, he continues with a weary, shell-shocked expression, "It took hours, you know?"

His face shifts to a look of impatience when they all start chuckling again.

"Have you never helped a woman move before? Any of you? Amy has a tremendous amount of girly twaddle that had to come up four flights of stairs. And then of course there were the endless boxes of books." He throws his hands in the air. "It was quite a feat, but we managed. That night, though? I've never felt so stiff and helpless just lying in bed before."

—-

* * *

IV.

* * *

It didn't take a lot of convincing for Bernadette to talk Amy and Penny into meeting for lunch at the newly opened restaurant near Cal Tech. The boys are welcome to experience the culinary delights of the cafeteria, but Bernadette greatly prefers the ambiance of the surrounding area. This particular region is rapidly gentrifying, with new buildings and businesses sprouting up all over the place.

Penny is helping her plan for their next girls' night. Amy is usually an enthusiastic participant for this kind of planning session, but she has yet to contribute anything today. So far, she is just staring dreamily out the window, smiling.

"It really is a spectacular erection," Amy suddenly blurts out wistfully.

Speechless, both blondes just gape at her. Apparently realizing their confusion, Amy gestures out the window. "Take a long, hard look at that building that they are erecting over there. The architecture is exquisite. It must be quite an undertaking. The length just goes on and on. I certainly wouldn't want to be up there nailing it, would you?"

"Um, no," Bernadette squeaks out in answer.

"Yeah, I think Bernadette prefers smaller erections." Penny smirks apologetically and then takes a healthy swig of her iced tea.

Before Bernadette gets a chance to throw a dig back Penny's way, Amy says, "A fear of heights is quite common, you know. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Acrophobia can be quite debilitating."

Rather than face the awkwardness of explaining Penny's insult, Bernadette settles for glaring menacingly at her blonde friend. No doubt cracking under the pressure, Penny tries to shift the focus back to Amy. "So Ames, how is married life treating you?"

Amy finishes her own sip of iced tea and begins, "It's been easier than I had expected. We're quite new to all of this, of course, but being married to Sheldon has really helped me to fill a void in my life."

Back to smiling, Penny says, "I'm sure that it has, sweetie."

"I know that things will not be perfect. The everyday struggles will always be there with the surprises of life coming in fits and spurts. You just never know what life will thrust into your path."

Bernadette is having a hard time keeping a straight face. If Howard were here, she has no doubt that he would be in danger of having a stroke if he had to keep silent. Making eye contact with Penny, the two make a silent agreement. If they keep quiet, maybe Amy will continue to elaborate.

"Sheldon has come a long way, though. Did you guys know that he helped me move all of my things this past weekend? He complained endlessly about the resultant stiffness, but he really got in there and got it done for me. And truthfully, he really did have to deal with a lot of loads."

Bernadette sees that Penny has both lips curled into her mouth, forming a straight line in a valiant effort to keep quiet. It is astonishing to her that Amy can't seem to hear some of the hilarity in the things that she is saying. She wonders, briefly, if her naive, sweet friend could be doing this on purpose, but she quickly rejects the premise.

"It wasn't a process without pitfalls, of course. We had to wrestle a bit about what would go where. In the end, though, it all went rather smoothly."

It's Amy that is the first to chuckle when she obviously remembers something. She innocently continues, "We did have a number of squabbles about this one thing in particular. You see, he kept insisting on putting his junk in my box…"

At that, Bernadette and Penny can hold back no longer. Any further explanation from Amy is drowned out in a fit of uncontrollable giggles.

—-

* * *

Author notes:

Sorry for the rough, jerky flow of language in this story. It's been a while since I've done this. Hopefully, with more rigorous repetitions, my writing will get back to feeling more tight and fluid.

Also, my apologies to any foreign language readers. This is a hot, sticky mess that probably won't translate into anything comprehensible.

I intended for this to be a quickie, but it ended up keeping me up all night! More chapters are yet to come.


	2. Chapter 2

V.

* * *

As Leonard trudges up four flights of stairs, he fumbles for the keys in his pocket. In spite of the amusing interlude at lunch, he has otherwise had a lengthy, boring day at work. He swings open the door to 4A before he remembers that it is no longer his home. Nine years of habit are difficult to overcome in one night. At least with these two oddball newlyweds, he isn't too worried about walking in on something indecent.

Right now, in fact, he spots Amy and Sheldon sitting over at the desk. They are watching something on Sheldon's laptop, and they appear quite engrossed by the action on screen. Leonard freezes in his tracks as his ears pick up snippets of dialog from their show.

"I told you it was a big one, didn't I?"

"Two inches - get it right in there."

"Don't just tap it out. Really pound away. Don't be afraid to be firm with it."

"Smooth, confident strokes. That's it."

"Just like that. Just let it happen. You can do it."

Leonard can hear rhythmic thumping sounds interspersed with this unknown man's voice. He makes a mental reminder to never, ever enter this dwelling again without knocking. His shoes make a squeaking sound as he turns on his heel, and this, unfortunately, clues the pair into his presence.

"Good evening, Leonard. Did you take a wrong turn?" Amy asks him while raising one inquisitive eyebrow.

"Yes. Oh, god yes," he stammers. After a brief pause he adds, "I really, really have." He wonders how they can both sit there so innocently while watching something like that.

"I'm just teasing you, Leonard. You know that you and Penny will always be welcome here. Right, Sheldon?"

Sheldon nods briefly before turning his attention back to the screen. He seems unaffected by his former roommate's sudden appearance and obvious discomfiture.

Amy continues, "Would you like to stay? We're watching 'The Joy of Painting' series streaming on Twitch. Monday is Bob Ross night. It's a surprisingly mesmerizing experience."

Leonard finally braves looking at the screen. Sure enough, a very 80's looking gentleman with bushy hair is firmly applying a bright blue paint to his canvas, shaping and blending it into a realistic looking daytime sky. In his hand is a larger brush than one might normally expect. It must be at least two inches wide.

"I remember this show. This is the guy who likes to paint 'happy little trees'," Leonard says, feeling jarred by the sudden transition in his mind. It's a quick shift from revulsion to fond reminiscence. It makes sense to him now, why the man's voice had sounded so calm and casual while saying those kinds of things.

Amy smiles, no doubt caught up in her own memories. "I was a big fan of public television when I was young. This show was one of my favorites. Sheldon, on the other hand, is a bit of an artistic virgin. I introduced it to him today to help distract him from the discomfort of his injury."

Leonard glances over to his tall friend. He looks just as awkwardly fragile as he always does, but Leonard can't spot anything particularly off about him. "Oh? What's wrong, Sheldon?" he asks.

"I'm afraid I have abraded my frenulum-"

"Sheldon!" Amy interrupts.

Leonard experiences a brief flash of jealousy when Sheldon instantly shuts his mouth and stops speaking. He wishes that he had ever had the power to make that guy be quiet with just one word.

Amy turns to him to explain, even though Leonard would greatly prefer it if she didn't. "It may be a repetitive stress issue, but we suspect that it is most likely an acute injury." Glancing back to Sheldon, she adds, "Remember that you are supposed to be resting that."

Leonard winces and unconsciously shifts his hands down towards his own groin in sympathy. "Wow, um… that sounds quite painful."

"Sheldon told me that it's just a little prick, but it sure is causing him some big problems. Throbbing, inflammation. If he's not careful, it might get even bigger and start oozing. We figure that it's best that he be cautious for a while."

Leonard nods. What can he really say to that? He desperately hopes that the two of them will stop talking about this now. He does not want any more details.

Alas, he hears Amy continue, "Mostly, it is important that he be careful while chewing, and he should obviously minimize the amount of speaking that he does for the next day or so."

Suddenly, he realizes what the two of them really mean. Of course. Sheldon is having trouble with his frenulum linguae. The frenulum under the tongue.

—-

* * *

VI.

* * *

"Sheldon, just spread the legs and stuff it in there already!"

"Ugh. Very well."

"Keep going."

"Are you sure? I don't think it can take all of this."

"Trust me, Sheldon. I've done this for many years. I know exactly how much should fit. Just push it in a little deeper."

"But my hand is getting all slippery."

"Yeah. That happens."

Penny, Leonard, Raj, Howard, and Bernadette are all listening with rapt attention from the other room. They don't seem to be surprised by this display at all, but Emily certainly is. She leans in to whisper to the others. "Do they not realize how that sounds? Can they not hear themselves at all? I helped my grandmother make a Thanksgiving turkey many times. But believe me, the process did not sound anything like that at all."

"They've been doing this kind of thing for days now," Penny informs her.

"You should've heard them earlier, when they were shaping out the sticky buns," Raj replies.

"And tossing the salad," Leonard adds.

Howard chimes in with a soft, almost admiring tone, "It's like some kind of perverted performance art. We don't know what to make of it."

Having washed their hands, Amy and Sheldon walk over to sit among their holiday guests. Now that the two of them are within earshot, no one seems to know what to say. Emily decides to take a stab at it. "Thank you for having all of us over for Thanksgiving dinner. I know that this kind of celebration takes a lot of work."

"We are happy to have all of you here," Amy answers. "I cooked a Christmas feast for everyone last year, but this meal has been a lot easier with Sheldon's help. We're adding a great deal to his repertoire. This is his first time cooking a turkey."

"It's nice that you two are adjusting so well to married life," says Penny. "I guess the honeymoon isn't over yet, eh?"

Emily suspects that Penny's question is rhetorical, but Sheldon jumps in to answer her nonetheless. "I should say not. After five years, we have a great deal of back coitus to make up for. I'm afraid I'm still quite deeply in arrears."

In the distance, Emily hears the stove ding, no doubt indicating that the oven has preheated. "Excuse me," says Sheldon as he stands up to work on the meal.

It is a blissful reprieve for everyone. It's a short-lived one, however, because Sheldon soon calls out from the kitchen, "Amy! Can you please come and help me put my meat in?"

Amy hops up and bounds over to lend a hand. "Ooh, I see the problem. This is going to be a tight fit."

"It's quite heavy too."

"If we work together, I'm sure that we can squeeze it in there."

"Ok. You hold this, and I'll hold this. Great, now let's just sliiide it in."

While Sheldon and Amy are bending over, wrangling Sheldon's meat in, the others stay seated in the living room, stunned into silence. Emily can't think of a single thing to say this time. She had thought that watching the movie 'Crimson Peak' would be the most disturbing thing that she would witness this year. Clearly, she had been mistaken.

Penny is the one who finally manages to break the silence when she whispers, "Do they have to keep calling it Sheldon's meat? How am I supposed to choke that down later with that mental picture?"

Howard and Raj snicker. Apparently realizing what she's said, Penny buries her face in her hands. Leonard rubs her back in a gentle, soothing fashion.

She recovers soon enough and haltingly poses a theory, "Maybe… maybe finally having coitus has broken something inside of their brains."

"This is definitely weird. Weird in a way that goes far beyond their normal levels of strange," Bernadette concurs.

Leonard cups his chin in his palm. "Well, they are still new to all of this. Years of sexual repression may have taken a toll. Maybe it's all just sort of… leaking out of them now."

"Eww," is Emily's knee-jerk response.

"Yuck, dude," her boyfriend agrees.

"I can see what you mean, Leonard," Howard cuts in. He sounds very understanding, and Emily knows just enough about Howard for this to make her suspicious.

"We shouldn't give them a hard time." His easy smile turns to a mischievous smirk. "I'm sure that this will peter out sooner or later. They won't keep ejaculating these thoughts out willy-nilly forever."

The others groan. Howard chuckles, but he sounds more sincere when he says, "Leonard is probably right. Those two will calm down eventually. Until then, I say we all just lie back and try to enjoy it."

—-

* * *

VII.

* * *

"So then I said to Amy: 'It's not going to just go down all by itself. You're going to need to apply some more suction.'"

Penny thinks that the story is bad enough. It gets worse, though, when Sheldon starts gesticulating an up and down motion with his hands.

The turkey has been eaten and the dishes washed, but the after-dinner conversation is not showing any signs of improvement. Sheldon is currently regaling them with tales of how he has been teaching Amy basic plumbing skills. Penny is pleased that these two friends of hers are working together to learn and share everyday domestic tasks. Still…

"Sheldon, I don't think that this conversation is appropriate for our guests."

Penny breathes a sigh of relief, and she sees Emily and Bernadette do the same. Finally Amy seems to have caught a clue.

"These are scientists and respected professionals."

"And Howard and Penny," Sheldon adds. "But you're right. I should skip the oversimplification. Let me just get my computer and I can show you all my 'Physics of Plumbing' Powerpoint slides."

Penny glances around the room and sees expressions of incredulity on most of her friends' faces. She doesn't think that she can stand to sit here while those two start talking about 'plumbing depths' and 'snaking pipes'.

"Wait. What about dessert?" she offers up as a distraction. With any luck, having dessert will help give a certain finality to this experience. Maybe she and Leonard will have a chance to escape shortly thereafter.

"Oh! Of course," Sheldon answers. "Let me just go grab Amy's buns."

Amy gets up to help Sheldon gather the dessert. While they are absent Howard slaps his hand on the armrest of the sofa and says, "I can't take it anymore. I've managed to resist so far, but enough is enough."

"There was a point where I was sure that this was all innocent. But not anymore," Bernadette growls. "They're doing this on purpose!"

Howard nods. "I know I said that we should just take it, but I've changed my mind. I say we push back."

Penny doesn't have enough time to figure out what Howard has in mind before Sheldon and Amy return to the living room. Amy has a stack of small plates while Sheldon is burdened with a sizable tray of sticky buns.

"Boy howdy, are you all in for a treat!" he says with a gigantic grin.

"Those are some mighty good looking buns, Amy," Howard agrees.

Bernadette perks up. "Yeah, very shapely. A nice, supple roundness."

"I can't wait to get my hands on those," Raj contributes.

It is then that Penny understands. She decides to join in, "Oh yeah! By the way, have you guys got anything good to wash that down with? I'd love a few sips from a nice stiff one."

—

* * *

Author notes:

This story was inspired by the delightfully accidental innuendo that is often sprinkled throughout "The Joy of Painting" tv series, though I don't think that this is quite what that show was trying to inspire.

I hope it is managing to stimulate your sense of humor, penetrating deeply into the annals of your mind.

I thought that this was going to be a short, stubby one, but it just keeps getting bigger and bigger! I've got one more in me - should be coming again soon.


	3. Chapter 3

VIII.

* * *

As Sheldon takes the long walk across campus to meet Amy at her lab, he contemplates the events of the previous week.

The last time he visited her lab, he arrived just after having lunch with his friends. As usual, they had seemed to find a great deal of humor in some of the things that he'd said. Unfortunately, Sheldon was unable to figure out why. He wasn't making any jokes, so what was so funny? He hated not being abl e to understand something—especially if someone like Wolowitz seemed to be in on it.

So he approached Amy that day in an effort to solve the mystery. "Why," he asked her after explaining the problem, "can't a man put his own wiener in his mouth in peace?"

When his new wife covered her mouth to stifle a snort, he was certain that she would be able to help him. "I really don't think you're that flexible," she deadpanned, before taking pity on his sad, confused face.

"Sheldon," she began, "language… can be complicated. And careful phrasing is essential. Sometimes you can say something that has more than one meaning. For example, 'wiener' is a word for a hot dog, but it is also a colloquialism for male genitalia. So, what you just said could be construed as something, um, a little more risqué than you may have intended."

"Oh. Oh, I see. But that really wasn't what I meant at all."

"There are those among us who can twist even the most innocent of things into something sexually suggestive."

Sheldon's face wrinkled in disgust. "Perverts."

Amy merely shrugged.

After a moment, he added, "When did you become so well-versed in vulgarity anyhow?"

"Well, in 2010, as you'll recall, I began the process of integrating myself with our current social group. I quickly noted, just as you have, that they seemed to find certain things humorous that eluded me. After a few rather... embarrassing misunderstandings, I came to understand that these situations often had a hidden sexual connotation."

She paused then and looked off as if remembering something. "When Penny and Bernadette talked about that waitress friend of theirs, I was so sure that they were talking about the _actual_ Eiffel Tower..." she mumbled to herself. After shaking her head, she continued, "But anyway, I found this lack of knowledge to be egregious, and therefore resolved to learn everything I could on the topic of human sexuality, and to do so with a particular focus on sexually suggestive language."

Allusion, metaphor, and intimation have never been Sheldon's forte. With the possibility of Amy's careful tutelage, however, he started to wonder if perhaps he could come to master these things. After a few moments of contemplation, he became more and more resolute. "It seems that my friends have been brandishing innuendo like a weapon for years. Well, fine. If they insist on crossing swords, I am determined to be the one who comes out on top."

His declaration caused Amy's subtle smile to blossom. "Sheldon, you will excel at this as you do in everything. Of that I have no doubt. I can teach you some basic slang, if you'd like, and we can go over a number of examples."

Sheldon nodded eagerly. He was unwilling to be ignorant on any subject. Tilting her head, Amy suggested, "Perhaps we should begin with the phrases 'crossing swords' and 'coming while on top'. Anyhow, from there, I'd like to propose a little social experiment..."

—

* * *

IX.

* * *

It has been one week since Sheldon's last visit to Amy's lab. As he enters the door now, Amy is anxious to go over the results of their little plan.

After speaking with him the previous week, Amy was the first to put their experiment into practice. She went to lunch with Penny and Bernadette and let loose on them with a flood of insinuations and seemingly innocent sexual references. Since then things have continued to snowball rapidly out of control, much to her and Sheldon's amusement.

She hastily finishes making one final slide of a temporal lobe, and then snaps off the latex to wash her hands. Sheldon has brought them each a hot dog for lunch, and Amy smiles at the memory of their last conversation here. Just as she had expected, Sheldon has been a quick learner of all things innuendo. A few trial runs on their friends have gone much better than she anticipated, and she can't wait to hear what he thinks of the results.

He helps her clear off a space on her desk and they spread out the paraphernalia associated with lunch. Hot dogs and soda may not seem like romance to most women. Amy, however, is not most women, and she is nothing but thrilled that Sheldon has considerately provided a meal for them both. It does not escape her attention that he chose a food that is reminiscent of last Monday's conversation.

"I must say, Amy, when you proposed this little scheme, I didn't think that I would find it so… pleasurable."

"Indeed. Your friends have made jokes of this sort at your expense for some time now. It's natural that you would enjoy giving them their comeuppance. So, what are your findings?"

Amy is ravenous and eagerly takes a big bite of her lunch. Sheldon has put on just the right condiments. That man really knows what she likes.

"Well, firstly, I've found that some words and phrases illicit a stronger response than others. Additionally, the cumulative impact of repeated insertions of innuendo into everyday situations is particularly effective."

Amy smirks. "You're doing that on purpose now, aren't you?"

Sheldon raises an eyebrow. "Yes ma'am."

They each continue to eat. Amy finishes first and washes down the last of her meal with a mouthful of Sprite. After dabbing at her lips with a napkin, she begins to point out some of her own observations.

"Well, I do agree with your assessment. However, I'd like to point out that overuse of these tools can cause a certain… form of irritation." The scientific seriousness of her voice starts to waver as she continues, "That is to say, we need to be careful not to just shove these things down people's throats."

Sheldon laughs out loud at that. "You're right. I think that we may have aroused their suspicions. They've started to get in there with their own rejoinders. That, by the way, brings me to my next point. Over the course of these trials, I noticed a distinct pattern in the behavior progression of our subjects. At first, they all took great joy in laughing at us. This quickly evolved into stage two, where they appeared to be stunned into silence. In the end, they seemed to have peaked into a state of complete annoyance, causing them to fight back in kind."

"Yes! I found that quite fascinating as well. Somewhat akin to 'the seven stages of grief', in my mind I've taken to thinking of it as 'the three stages of overdone innuendo'."

"I like that. I'll be sure to label the phenomenon accordingly in our report."

He takes a moment to have another nibble of his lunch before adding, "There were one or two other unexpected benefits that I noted as we conducted this experiment."

"Oh?"

"Indeed. You see, Leonard and Penny have now moved out, and I suspect that they have both learned that it is best to knock before entering our apartment."

Amy nods. She is pleased with the increased privacy as well.

Sheldon continues, "Additionally, our friends have not asked any inappropriate or invasive questions about the new aspects of our relationship."

"Sheldon, after the innuendo that we bombarded them with all of last week, I don't think they'll ever dare to bring up such things to you. Not even Howard."

"That's a perfectly satisfying situation to me," he admits.

Sheldon eats at a glacial pace even at the best of times. This conversation has slowed him down even more than usual. He chews slowly and swallows one last time before turning to her, proffering his half-eaten lunch.

"Amy, you still look hungry. Would you care for a taste of my wiener?"

* * *

END

Author note:

Whew. I'm spent.

I'm a spoiler free fan and needed some humor to break up this season's drama. There's still a few episodes left this year, so here's to hoping that Santa Sheldon fills Amy's stocking with something special from his sack for Christmas!

The story I am planning next is more of a drama than a comedy (no really, with plot and everything), but I needed to spit this one out first. This story was a fun challenge. I really didn't think I'd be able to keep it up through multiple chapters.

So, was it as good for you as it was for me?


End file.
